A New Dream...

It's hard to believe that it's been over a year since I wrote anything for this blog. What can I say, life happens. So many things have happened since I wrote my last piece and so much more is yet to come. In June of 2015 my life was turned upside down. My home was destroyed in a fire that was started by missing socks that accumulated inside of the dryer, piling up to the heating element, where they ignited, essentially destroying half of our home. Fortunately for us, we were not home at the time (the kids were with me) and our neighbors got our dog out. I had only been gone 30 minutes when I got the call. Talk about a game changer... One bit of good pool news, the garage door was closed, so my 9 foot Diamond table was not consumed in the flames and my cues were in our bedroom because I had just got home from a traveling tournament. For now, the table is in storage and it will need some love when I have it reinstalled in our rebuilt home, hopefully around Christmas time.

Since I last wrote, my pool adventures have included trips to Tampa, New York City, and Washington DC, in addition to the local events I generally attend. I did have to cancel the 9 day stint I had scheduled for BCA Nationals this summer, but I plan on making my way down there for the Mosconi Cup this December. My last event of 2015 will be a qualifier for the 2016 WPBA Masters on Dec 12-13, 2015 at Malarkey's Pool & Brew in Tacoma, WA.

My 2016 schedule is somewhat up in the air at this point as many things have happened off the table during this time of transition. Since the fire, I've had some major life changes that have definitely affected my prioritization of things. The biggest of which includes giving up alcohol and starting a 12 step recovery program. Since my switch, I have quit my job and started to try and figure out "what I want to be when I grow up." This might seem laughable to many, but I promise you, the best is yet to come. I am eager to move home, so that I can continue my journey in the sport of billiards, with a renewed confidence and clear vision of what I intend to do, both on and off the table.

On the table, 2015 has been a series of highs and lows. I achieved one of my biggest goals in pool and that was winning the title of Tour Champion for the Northwest Women's Pool Association. I hadn't won a NWPA event in 6 years, but somehow everything that I have been working towards came together this year and I played in 4 of the 7 event finals, cashed in 6 out of the 7 events. The last two events of the year, I was in my new sobriety and played fearlessly until the finals. That, my friends, is where all those old doubts and insecurities blossomed. Where I began to question myself, my ability, and why I play this game we all love. Conversations in the mind are detrimental to performance and in all the years I have been playing, instead of learning techniques to dissolve those words into the wind, I pushed them away with copious amounts of alcohol. I am not afraid I said... But deep down I always knew I was. I lived in fear, believing that only when I achieved the win that I would be worth anything to anyone. I know that it all was a lie... A lie that is perpetuated by our constant conditioning, that we will never be good enough or have enough.

As I sit here reflecting on those feelings, they begin to fade, not because I have learned some way to deal with them, but because I know differently. In my sobriety, I have chosen to walk with Jesus. Before you stop reading, know that I am not trying to convert anyone or tell anyone what is right for them. This is my story, my journey, and my way. I choose Jesus because the love that I have found in him is unmatched. I choose a personal relationship with love, compassion, gratitude, and forgiveness. Not only with myself, but for all of humanity. Every person comes to know love in the way that is open to them. I pray that each and every person can come to know love in their life.

People have many opinions about the sport of pool and what is wrong with it, but I don't see the issue as just being a pool one. The world is suffering because of the greed and corruption present in so many realms. It's overwhelming to consider how we could ever make a difference or make things better. I say, do not lose heart. Choose love. Choose presence. When the people that play pool (and around the world) are able to do that, the issues in pool (and the rest of the world) will resolve themselves. I choose to make a difference in my community and my relationships by putting myself in as many situations to give and receive love as possible, to support causes that are close to my heart, and to live as authentically as possible. I have no idea where these choices will take me, but I have a lot of ideas for different pool projects that involve making this world a better place. Stay tuned :)

Thank you so much for reading, I'll be back soon :)
SOS

PS. For all the haters out there, this is for you. Thx for the reminder WiredSpace.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory or defeat." ~Theodore Roosevelt