The End of a Dream

As a girl, my mother always told me that I could be anything I wanted as long as I was willing to work for it. It was one of the greatest gifts she gave me and I will spend my life knowing that the strength and courage I have to pursue excellence started there. Unfortunately, like most of us, that is where my attachment to the outcome began as well. I went full speed at every goal, giving all of myself, come hell or highwater, and I achieved many successes early on which pushed me even more to become the best at whatever it was that I was doing. I was a good student and athlete, and aside from what I call "my dark days" (March of 1996-December of 1997), I have met goal after goal and continued to achieve positive results through my life.

In 2006, I finished my Master's Degree in Forestry and got hired to a job in my field two weeks after defending my thesis, a job that I hold to this day. Some would say this is lucky, especially nowadays when many people coming out of college struggle to find work. But like a pool game, without due diligence, that opportunity could have passed me by if I had not already been pursuing it. One of my best friends always tells me that "Luck is where opportunity and preparation meet" and I absolutely agree, 100%.

During graduate school, I was also fortunate to have a really great living situation. I lived with my friends dad, who was disabled/retired and loved me like a daughter. We would watch old movies and sports, eat dinner together lots of evenings, and in trade for me driving him to places like the bank and the barber, I lived mostly bill free.  I played American Poolplayers Association (APA) three nights a week and I really had the support I needed to work hard and play harder. I came into the league as a 2 in both 8 ball and 9 ball and in those three years, under the tutelage of Jessi Nester (owner of Billiards 911), I moved up to a 6 in 8 ball and a 7 in 9 ball, the skill levels I still hold to this day (mostly because I gave up on playing APA for several years). In 2006, I was talking with Jessi and I told her that someday I wanted to play on the WPBA. She looked me straight in the eye and told me that was a lofty goal, that women of the WPBA were of a different caliber, they lived the sport, sacrificing other areas of their life to become the best players in the world. Her words put a fire in me to become one of those women, to play on that stage, and make the sacrifices necessary to be one of the best.

In 2007, I won my first National Championship and shortly after I competed for the first time at the US Amateur Championship (USAC). Here was a chance to earn a spot on the WPBA, I was so excited... I won my preliminary, first attempt, and travelled to Atlanta to compete with some of the best women pool players I had ever seen first hand. I was ready, or so I thought. When I got to the USAC, I played with all I had, but came up well short of my goal, only winning one match and then losing my next two. I was crushed, I spent the next day in bed watching the Lifetime channel with my travel companion, feeling so sorry for myself that I really didn't know what to do with myself. When I got home, I felt like I was waking from a nightmare. What was I going to do? How would I move forward from the despair of defeat?

In 2008, I continued my growth as a player, taking lessons from some of the top players in the northwest and joining the Northwest Women's Pool Association (NWPA). All big table 9 ball, I definitely felt out of my element, but it was new and exciting and I would get to play with women who had similar aspirations as me, to compete on the WPBA. I fought hard at every event, making it into the money a couple times, culminating the 2008 season with my best finish of the year. At the final stop, our Year End Event, I drew one of the best players on tour. With online brackets available, I knew that I would be playing her at 10am. I was ecstatic, which of course meant I couldn't sleep well. I woke up at 6am and went to my local pool room (PJ Pockets was open 24 hours) and shot for two hours prior to heading up to The Parlor in Bellevue for the event. I was in dead stroke, I ended up defeating her 7-1 and going on to win the rest of my matches with a fearless hunger. I made it to the final, the winner would get a paid entry to the 2009 WPBA San Diego Classic. I struggled throughout the match, ultimately finding myself down 8-6 in a race to 9, so close yet so far. In the final games, I slopped a 9 ball in to get to 7, then made a strong runout from the 3 to tie it up at 8, and then I did what we all dream of, snapping the 9 in on the break to win the event and earn my first opportunity on the WPBA. I fell to my knees, so unbelievably happy. Through laughter and tears, I shook my opponents hand and went on to celebrate my victory. I had arrived, I made it, I earned it.

When I went to the WPBA San Diego Classic, I was so star struck that I couldn't really see straight. I went 2 and out, being defeated 9-3 by Sarah Rousey and 9-6 by Melissa Little. During my first match, my hands didn't stop shaking until I was down 5-0, but I came back to win the next 3 games. That is when she really turned up the heat, closing out the next four racks to put me into the loser's bracket. When I came back the next day I felt calm and composed, ready to play.  I jumped out to a 6-0 lead on Melissa before she took her break, then the most terrible thing happened, I realized I was up 6-0 on Melissa Little, one of the best women pool players in the country. I didn't win another rack and as I packed up my cues I knew that I had a lot of work to do to get back to this arena. I questioned and doubted myself and my ability, but knew that if I could get there once I could do it again. I continued competing on the NWPA, having my top finish in overall standings in 2009 (3rd) and playing more and more events where travel was involved. I received invitations to several WPBA events, but it was generally within a couple weeks of the event, so I was unable to accept. There was a place in my heart that felt like if I didn't win the spot, I didn't really earn the right to be there. I carried that with me for the next few years.

In 2011, I signed up for the USAC again and for a second time won my preliminary.  I went to Tampa for the final rounds and went through the entire field without an opponent reaching the hill. I made it to the final and was up 6-2 when I stumbled. I missed a hanging 9 ball and that fueled my opponent to take the next 3 racks to bring it to 6-5. In the next game, she broke and ran to the 9 ball, slightly overruning her position, leaving a tough cut on the 9, which she missed. I made that 9 and then fought through each of the next racks to earn the 2011 US Amateur Championship title and paid entry, airfare, and hotel to the 2012 WPBA US Open.  I went to Tulsa with high hopes and ultimately went 2 and out again, playing Allison Fisher in the first round and then a close friend for my second match. With every opportunity, more doubt and fear plagued me. I was afraid to fail, afraid to be less than what I had hoped I could be. If I wasn't winning, I felt like I didn't belong there. I spent the next year and half trying to sort through my mental game, like a blind person, I sought to become more than I was and continued to stumble as fear and doubt crept into every performance. I haven't won a major tournament since 2011. I have made several finals, but ultimately have come up short when put under the heat.

The beginning of the end came in 2014, just a few short months ago.  The dates for the WPBA Masters were announced in December of 2013. I had received an invitation to every event (although few and fewer) since my debut in 2009. This event would be the same, I just knew it. I booked my airfare and hotel to go. I wanted to play, I could control my fear. As the days passed and I got closer and closer to my travel dates, I was perpetually disappointed that the invite never came. I emailed back and forth with the WPBA event coordinator, I was on the waiting list, hoping and praying for another opportunity. An opportunity that never came. I attended the players meeting and it was here that I began to see that things were not as I had thought. The divisiveness amongst the players was a shock to me. I believed that the women of the WPBA were united in competitive spirit. Such loathing and contempt, I would never imagined possible. It was heartbreaking... Top players felt entitled and looked down at the women who filled the field making the event even possible, the board struggled keeping players focused on the ultimate goal of having more events in the face of losing major sponsors and a struggling US economy. What was the WPBA coming to? I really don't know. Everything I had ever aspired to in the pool world came crumbling around me. I questioned my real motives for wanting to compete on the WPBA and it all came back to my mother's words and my attachment to the outcome. I wanted to be a WPBA player because it meant that I was somebody. It meant that I was the cream of the proverbial crop. It was then that I realized, it was all an illusion.

Upon my return from Michigan, I thought I had everything figured out. I sat down and started to write this piece with the hurt and disappointment a fresh wound on my spirit. This morning I deleted everything that I had written and started anew. What I learned from that experience was that regardless of whether I compete at a world class level or not, this game is not for the faint of heart. There are egos and agendas, like any sport really, that will prevent a majority of society from truly recognizing the greatness to be found in this game. Pool is life, in so many ways, and it makes me sad to think that many will never be able to appreciate what it takes to be a top notch pool player. Hours upon hours of focus and deliberation and you still may never achieve greatness. For me, I still struggle with attachment to the outcome, but I know that when I focus on individual moments, play with my heart and soul invested, I am victorious regardless of the result. I believe in this game and in its ability to bring forth the humanity in us all. Stay present, stay mindful, just be. Those are my goals for this game, for my life. I will never be more or less based on matches or titles won. The world may disagree, but I now know that this is the real truth. In all aspects of life, you will never be more or less than you think you are, our life situations may be different, but ultimately we are all just people on this journey, together in life, loving and living this game. Thanks for reading!